It's all Gandalf's fault!
by Galadriel-in-disguise
Summary: A very over worked Thranduil decides to take a vacation and leave Legolas in charge of Mirkwood. Legolas is not pleased. Gandalf tells Aragorn to go capture Gollum and bring him to Mirkwood. Aragorn is not pleased. Niether is Gollum. PG-13 for swearing.
1. Thranduil throws a fit

Disclaimer: Well, let's put it this way...I own nothing. That includes LOTR.  
  
A/n: This story actually has a plot, unlike the crazy random nonsensical stuff I usually write. That does not, however, mean it story should be taken seriously. It's kind of AU, but then, so is everything I write. And I know elves don't actually have heart attacks. They don't have pencils either. So there.  
  
"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Thranduil threw his coffee mug through the window and began banging his head on the desk.  
  
"Um, Dad?" said Legolas. "I think you should calm down. You don't want to have another heart attack, do you?"  
  
"Those dwarves would give ANYBODY heart attacks! They're filing ANOTHER lawsuit! What is this, the SIXTEENTH time?!"  
  
"No sir! It's only the eleventh!" chirped Thranduil's secretary.  
  
Thranduil growled and bit his pencil in half. "They were TRESSPASSING! Of course I arrested them! I was NOT BEING RASCIST AGAINST DWARVES!"  
  
"No one said you were," said Legolas soothingly.  
  
"And it's not like I MISTREATED them!" said Thranduil, continuing his tirade. "I locked them in nice, DRY cells! They got THREE NUTRITIONALLY BALANCED MEALS A DAY! I offered to let them GO if they would tell me WHAT THE HELL THEY WERE DOING IN MIRKWOOD! But NO! They were all, 'I have the fucking right to remain silent dude so fuck off!' And THEN what did they do? THEY JACKED MY WINE BARRELS! I should be suing THEM, the assholes!"  
  
"Yes, yes, of course" said Legolas quickly. "But I really don't think you should be getting so worked up about this..."  
  
"...AND, they used an ILLEGAL hobbit with an UNREGISTERED MAGIC RING to escape! But is anyone calling them on it? NOOOOOOOO! Just because they went and harassed a fucking dragon and stole its treasure is NO EXCUSE for them to get special treatment!"  
  
"Actually," said the secretary, pulling out a law book almost as big a she was, "it says here that it's not illegal for a group of dwarves to travel with a hobbit unless said hobbit is smuggling LSD and/or is a member of 'Weight Watchers.'"  
  
"SHUT UP!" bellowed Thranduil. "And that still doesn't explain what a hobbit was DOING with one of the RINGS OF POWER! There is NOTHING in that "One Ring to Rule them All" poem thing about HOBBITS! Therefore, the little shit must have STOLEN it like he stole my WINE BARRELS!"  
  
"Dad," said Legolas desperately, "I don't think it's worth it to have an aneurism over a few wine barrels. I mean, they didn't even have any wine in them..."  
  
"WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THE WINE BARRELS, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LAWSUIT!"  
  
"But sir--" said the secretary.  
  
"YOU'RE FIRED!" shouted Thranduil.  
  
The secretary turned green and mumbled something about union regulations.  
  
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU'RE FUCKING UNION! NOW LEAVE BEFORE I START SMASHING THINGS!"  
  
The secretary scowled and slunk out of the office.  
  
"This is all that STUPID wizard Gandalf's fault. If he hadn't decided to send those ASININE dwarves on their DUMASSED treasure hunt, they would never have BEEN in Mirkwood. AND I WOULDN'T HAVE ARRESTED THEM AND THEY WOULDN'T BE SUING ME CONSTANTLY!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!! "  
  
Thranduil slumped in his chair and began massaging his temples. "I'm under way to much stress!" he muttered. "Tomorrow I have to call my lawyer, find a new secretary, try to settle the tree planter's strike, sign that bill outlawing large vehicles in public places, write to Celeborn...GRR! I'm probably developing carpal tunnel syndrome as well!"  
  
"Why don't you take a vacation?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Why don't I...But of course! A vacation! You're brilliant! I'll go visit my aunt in Rivendell! Haven't seen her in ages! You can run things around here for a few weeks, can't you? Of course you can! You need the practice anyway. Well, I'm off!" Three seconds later, Thranduil out the door, headed FAR, far away from such things as lawsuits, secretaries, and carpal tunnel.  
  
Legolas groaned and closed his eyes. "What the cosmic fuck have I gotten myself into?" he muttered. "I don't know shit about running a country!" he stared despondently around the office. "I'm screwed."  
  
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Poor Leggy. *evil grin* Do you think this story is totally stupid? Please review!!! I want some feedback people! Next chapter: Aragorn hates Gollum, and visa versa. 


	2. Aragorn, Gollum, and lots and lots of sn...

Disclaimer: OOOOOOH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEEEEEEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGGGGGGGGHT? HOOOW PROUUUUUUUUUUUUDLY WE HAAAAAAAIL...  
  
I don't own LOTR and I DO NOT OWN THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER! I totally hate that song. Well, duh! I'd be a pretty bad socialist anarchist if I actually LIKED the American national anthem. *gag*  
  
A/N: I forgot what I was going to say...Oh well, I'll just fill in. FREE YOUR MIND! QUESTION AUTHORITY! JOIN THE GREEN PARTY! EGG THE WHITE HOUSE! Or something to that effect...AU=Alternate Universe in case anyone doesn't know.  
  
This, however, is not relevant at all to my fanfic. If you actually read the authors note, then kudos to you.  
  
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Aragorn was trudging glumly through the snow dragging Gollum behind him on a leash. Both of them wished they were somewhere else, preferably FAR FAR AWAY from each other.  
  
"Two...more...fucking...days..." muttered Aragorn. "TWO MORE DAYS!!! And then I'll be in Mirkwood and I can dump Gollum on the elves and LEAVE! I hate Rhovanion in the winter..."  
  
"YOU hatessss it?!?! We're freezing our assss off back here preciousss!! We're getting fucking frossstbite, we are!"  
  
"QUIET!! I hate my life! Stupid snow...stupid Gollum...stupid war with Sauron...I might as well face it, everything is FUCKED!"  
  
Gollum looked up at the sky and immediately regretted it. "AHHHHHH! THE LIGHT!!" he screeched. "It's burning our eyeses out! We're getting hiveses!!!"  
  
"What the hell...?" said Aragorn.  
  
"We're allergic to photonssssss, preciousss!!" Gollum fell down and started flopping around like some kind of nasty greenish bipedal fish thing. He got totally twisted up in his leash and ended up knocking Aragorn off his feet into a snow drift.  
  
"NOOOO!" yelled Aragorn. "Now I'm not only freezing I'M SOAKING WET! DIEEEEEEEE!" he aimed a kick at Gollum, who hissed loudly and bit him.  
  
"FUCK! Stupid mutated hobbit! You could have rabies or some other toxic shit! And you made a fucking HOLE in my BOOT!! I LIKE these boots!!"  
  
"RABIESSS isss it now? VERY nice ranger, VERY nice..."  
  
"GRRRR! This is all that asshole Gandalf's fault. Him and his STUPID white council shit. 'Go to Mordor and catch Gollum' he said. 'We need information on that ring he had' 'It could be crucial to the FUCKING fate of Middle Earth', he said. Fate of Middle Earth my ASS! He's just doing this because of that IDIOT hobbit boyfriend of his. As if the world NEEDED any more clinching proof that Gandalf is a pervy hobbit fancier..."  
  
"Thisss isss dissscrimination againssst ssssmall ssslimy creaturesss, it isssss, precioussss! We wantsss to sssee our lawyer!! We're going to sssssue your ugly pantses off, we iss!"  
  
"By Eru! For the 5,698 fucking time, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU'RE GOING TO GET A LAWYER! CASE CLOSED!"  
  
"Amendment ssssssssix, part f, "The right to a lawyer" it sssssaysss it right there in the fucking Conssstitution, it doesss!!!!"  
  
"That's in all CRIMINAL PROSECUTIONS, asshole! Does this look like a fucking criminal prosecution??" he waved his arm at the flat white landscape broken only by the occasion stunted dead tree. "I don't think you've even been technically arrested! You're more an 'enemy combatant' or some shit, but that doesn't matter because THE U.S. CONSTITUTION DOESN'T FUCKING APPLY HERE!!!!"  
  
"Sssstupid fat ranger..." muttered Sméagol.  
  
"Thisssss isss all your fault!" said Gollum.  
  
"Isssssss not!" said Sméagol.  
  
"Isssssss too!" said Gollum.  
  
"Issssss not!" said Sméagol.  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes heavenward. "Will someone PLEASE remind me what the FUCKING HELL I'm doing out here in the middle of NOWHERE with a psycho possessed small greenish creature who has a split personality and SMELLS BAD???"  
  
"The ssstupid ugly ranger sssays we sssmells bad preciousss! He shouldn't be talking! Smellssss worse than a sweaty orc with toe fungussss, he doesssss! If he'sss bathed at all in the lassst three decadessss then I'm an ent..."  
  
"Well," said Aragorn in extreme annoyance, he didn't like people making fun of the way he smelled, "At least I've got a girlfriend! Unlike you!"  
  
"She'sssss probably only dating you for your money," said Gollum grumpily.  
  
"WHAT money??" demanded Aragorn. "If I HAD any money I sure as HELL wouldn't be here, in the middle of the Brown Lands, in the winter, with YOU!!!"  
  
"You have a point," muttered Gollum sulkily.  
  
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Go Arry!!! Next chapter: Leggy again. I need some ideas for how he's going to mess up Mirkwood. My brain is shutting down for the weekend, so if you think of something, please tell me about it in a review.  
  
I'd like to send out a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig thank you to all my WONDERFUL reviewers, Saralitazie, Mornie Utule, websterans, happy molecule, Ainu Laire, electrocuted-elf, Cielita, and Elvenbabe. Rave on, brothers and sisters, rave on.  
  
REVEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! WE ALL LIKE REVIEWS, DON'T WE?? SO PLEASE, PRESS THAT LITTLE PURPLE BUTTON!! 


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